I Piss On Your God-Given Rights

Yea, you read that right. I don't give a shit about your god-given rights. I see it almost everyday and it pisses me off to no end. There's nothing like getting your blood boiling when you're on your way to pay the government your "fair" share. Let me explain...

I'd get on the train every morning and it almost never fails to see at least one poor family with more than 3 kids on there. How do I know they're poor? Well, you're just going to have to trust me on this one. If I have to go into details, you'd label me a racist DESPITE how right I am. Well, this morning, I see this fat lady with 6 kids, 6! Then again, she might just be pregnant again and not as fat as I think she is. So what the fuck? What would lead anyone to have 6 kids, with possibly another on the way? I mean, we're in America, not Mexico. We don't use our kids to pick the garbages. Nor are we in Southeast Asia, there are no child labor sweatshops to make money off your kids.

Now obviously it's none of my business how many kids you choose to have. However, when you're poor, it becomes my business. Through taxes, people like me are fucking raising these kids. Furthermore, these damn kids are going to be taking resources away from my ONE kid comes school time. There are fucking limited resources for schools and the more kids there are, the less goes to each individual child. In essence, I'm paying taxes to support these kids who then in turn either fucks my kid out of valuable public school resources or force me to shell out even more money to send my kid to private school.

And then let's not forget the "environmental" perspective. You know how much carbon footprint these kids eventually leave behind? I don't exactly, but I do know it'll be a ton, especially if they decide to procreate like their disgusting mom.

Shit like this grind my gears to no end. It's total disregard for society. Bunch of fucking freeloaders. Can't we just round them up and send them to Afghanistan for some humanitarian aid? I'm sure those Afghans can use some free labor on their poppy fields.

YOUUUUU GO SHOP AT OLD NAVY!!!

Yea, I'm talking about you...but only if you're the kind of person that's too lazy to actually shop for a gift and end up sending a gift card to some shitty ass store that the recipient doesn't shop at.

I don't get it, how hard is it to write a fucking check these days!? Hell, could it be more easier that PayPal-ing it!? You don't even need to get off the couch for that! Instead, some lazy fucks think it's "thoughtful" to send a gift card for some store/restaurant. Well, you know what, it's NOT! If anything, it shows that you really don't give a shit because you can't spend the time to pick out a good gift and that you're also being a huge dick for restricting me to where I have to do that chore for you!

I've gotten gifts cards in the past to places ranging from Chili's to Pottery Barn. What the hell am I going to do with a $50 gift card to Pottery Barn!? Am I supposed to throw $150 of my own money into buying some over-priced $200 bedding set and then send the person a THANK YOU card!? Like what am I suppose to write on that card - "thank you for the gorgeous bedding set we bought for ourselves at Pottery Barn. Without your $50 contribution, we would never have been able to afford it. You're so thoughtful, you fucking douche!"

And even worse, gift cards to Chili's! Hello, I live in Brooklyn!!! How many fucking Chili's are there in Brooklyn!? And why would I go to Chili's?? Their fucking baby back ribs are shit! I rather take my chances at Chi Chi's...oh what's that, they've been closed down for food poisoning. Well shit, there goes that Chi Chi's gift certificate!

Old Navy, DITTO! Not to sound like a snub but...I'm kind of a snub. What make you think I'd step into an Old Navy much less wear anything from Old Navy!? Even Banana Republic is frown upon by me and you expect me to wear something from Old Navy?? Do I look like a high school freshman to you!? You clearly don't know me and I should be ashamed that you're someone I keep in touch with.

So I hope I'm making my points very clear, DO NOT FUCKING SEND GIFT CARDS AS A GIFT! Just because it has the word "gift" in its name does not mean you should gift it. If anything, if you wait long enough, that gift card might just come back to you...trust me, I've got them saved up and each has a name written on them, next to the word "douchebag."

And furthermore, if you're going to send a gift card (first of all, DON'T), at least make it a minimum of $20! The only thing that pisses me off more than getting a gift card is getting a gift card with less than $20 on it. WHY even fucking bother!? At that point, just send a Christmas/birthday/anniversary/etc card and leave it at that...or send nothing at all! Can you imagine getting a gift card to Chili's for $10? First of all, you're going to have to eat at Chili's. And if that's not bad enough, you're obviously going to have to pay for someone else to dine with you because let's face it, inviting someone to Chili's and then insist on that someone to pay for his/her own meal is just not cool. And obviously, you're NOT going to Chili's by your lonesome self, you're not. So to sum it up, when you give someone a $10 gift card to Chili's, you're basically saying this: "Hey asshole, I hate your guts! So this is what I'm going to do...I'm gonna pay you $10 to dine at a shitty "restaurant" with someone else and you pay for the balance of the meal. I hope you take a date there with you because that means you're definitely not getting laid and will have no chance of ever getting laid with that said person. To add insult to injury, I hope you get food poisoning and puke your guts out on that date of yours. Enjoy asshole!" So, before you send me that $10 gift card to Chili's, let me just say this right now: "FUCK YOU!"

Yes, it's been a while since my last update...but that does not mean that nothing have grinded my gears since then. At the urging of someone (let's call this person Pat), I'm back ranting on the keyboard while hoping I don't break this one this time from the tone of my words. Clearly, Pat thinks it's funny when things are grinding my gears. Well you know what Pat, I'm billing you for a new keyboard if this one breaks as a result.

There's one thing that's always been grinding my gears and it never stops. And that is the New York City MTA, the douchebags responsible for my shitty morning and evening commutes pretty much every day. For a 6-7 miles of commute, it would take me anywhere from as little as 30 minutes and as much as...at least an hour. I fail to comprehend how something so simple could be turned into something that fucking complicated! The simple idea is to run a train of 8-10 traincars along a track while stopping at certain "stations" to let people on and off. If you start a train at the origination point every 7-8 minutes, each train would hit every station every 7-8 minutes after the previous train. INSTEAD, what you get is the exact fucking opposite. Let's run through all the scenerios I've experienced first hand.

First, there's the "do not hold the door" excuse. That is, they're claiming that because some people hold the doors, the train can not move and thereby causes delays. Well bull-fucking-shit! For one, close the door. Maybe it's just me here but if I were to get caught in the door and it continues to shut on my arm (or better yet my bag and then starts moving), you can be sure I won't try it ever again. And secondly, there's no speed limit for trains. If you're 30 seconds behind, speed the fuck up! It's not like there a granny driving a slow ass '88 Buick Park Avenue in front of you, is there?

Then there's the "because of train traffic ahead..." excuse. Excuse me, but do you think everyone on the train is braindead!? Where the fuck did the train traffic come from, the sixth dimension? It's a one way track with no ins and outs! And even IF there really is train traffic, that's only because you somehow fucked up the simple plan and sent too many trains at the same time! In the end, it's still your fault for being so fucking stupid to comprehend a very basic idea.

And of course, there's also the "because of debris on the track..." excuse. I'm sorry, have you seen what the train looks like? Can you imagine how much debris it'll take to prevent a train from running it over? And it wouldn't be a problem if the lazy ass station worker empties the trash and sweeps the platforms instead of sleeping!

And in the end, there's only one thing you can depend on the MTA for, incompetence and unreliability. And yes, I know, but I count those two as one thing because they go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.

Of course, I noticed something else today. I have a monthly metrocard that expired today so I had to purchase a new one. There are 3 machines at the station where I live. All three takes credit cards and debit cards...at least they're supposed to. I've noticed recently (recently as in the last 2+ years) that two of the machines won't read any credit cards; and that includes the one that ONLY takes credit/debit cards. WTF right? What's the fucking point of having that machine there? It's like having a blind guy at the library to read books for kids, totally useless but somehow we're paying for it to be there, the electricity to keep it on, and the salary for the douchebags that supposedly maintain and service it. Only today, that one machine that does take credit cards is now unable to read my Amex card. So I tried my Visa...and then my Mastercard...and I would have tried my Discover Card but for the fact I don't have one of those and no one accepts them (remind me why it still exists, please). And during that whole process, the damn trains comes...and goes. So FUCK, I'm gonna have to wait for another one that arrives in who the fuck knows how long! I go to the booth and asks the half-asleep "attendant" why the fuck none of the machines is not taking credit cards. He tells me none of the are working. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! That's why I'm asking you WHY! And of course, he can't take my credit card also. Now the fucking dilemma...a monthly metrocard costs $89 for unlimited ride, a single ride costs $2.25, and if I buy a $20 card - they'd give me 15% extra (for those not Asian, $23 in credit). I normally get the monthly, but I don't have $89 in cash nor do I want to forfeit 89 membership reward points that I would've earned from using my Amex! However, if I pay for a single ride, I get fucked out of the 15% discount! So what do I do, I paid $20 in cash because I don't like getting screwed over out of principle! So naturally, I'm fuming from that point all the way to Bryant Park. And when I finally got to Bryant Park, I noticed something, the damn machines at Bryant Park only sells single ride metrocards! These motherfuckers are pennypinching by fucking people over. By only selling single ride metrocards, they don't have to give people the 15% bonus. And by having much of their credit card readers in the machines "broken," they force people to use cash and save them from having to pay an interchange fee to the banks and credit card companies. Meanwhile, their fucking union workers are sleeping on the night shift, driving trains that are capable of driving themselves, leaving trash cans full to the top, etc etc...all the while collecting a nice salary and the benefits that comes with an unionized "job." Motherfuckers!

I've HAD IT!!! And I'm not going to anything about it.

Yea, you've read right. It comes a time where you realize that there's nothing you can do about the things that grind your grears. Take last night for example: I was on my way home after spending another 12+ hours at work (think 10 on the Productiveness/Laziness Scale). I got on the R local train (for those of you who are non-NYers, they make every stop on the line while the express trains make stops after every 3-4 stops on the line) and there's this lady that's just going to town on her nose, picking it like there's no tomorrow. (Yes Evan, EWWWWW!) She didn't stop even as I was getting off (the train, not myself...PERVERT!) at Times Square to catch an express back to Brooklyn. I'm stand there like "holy shit, can I touch one of these poles on the train without getting some of that residue on my hands? And if she's doing it, how many others like her have done it and touched these poles? The MTA fucks definitely don't Lysol these poles every night...or ever. Fuck!" So what do I do, tell her to stop? Does she even understand English? Will I run the chance of her touching me with the finger that's just been in her nose? Yeaaaa, I'm not going to chance it. Instead, I stood there in shock.

Anyways, after catching the N express train at Times Square, I sat there and read the WSJ and listened to my iphone. All of a sudden, I pulled into Canal St. stop. It looked different! The reason: it was different - it is where the local trains stop...which means...this train is LOCAL and it's going through lower Manhattan and not across the Manhattan Bridge. This will add like 5 stops and at least 15 minutes to my commute. Why is this happening? Their explanation, there was a investigation at 7th Avenue on the Q line (share's much of the same track as the N in Manhattan). Now, 7th Ave stop is BEHIND ME! It's like they're saying, I know you're going to Boston but because there's some trouble with the road in Washington, we're not allowing you to take I-95 North to Boston...from NY! Makes ZERO sense!

And if that's not enough, the train stops for 3-5 minutes after every minute it seems on it's way to Brooklyn because of "train traffic ahead of us." WHAT TRAIN TRAFFIC? WHY AREN'T THOSE THINGS RUNNING? I can understand if they said "we are stopped due to a dead body ahead of us." Yea, that makes sense, but train traffic? What does that even mean?

After yeons, we pulled into DeKalb Ave and there's a Q ahead of us. People got off to take the Q and one guy came back and said the employees told him that Q will be running on the N express line so he needs to go to Atlantic and take the 2 or 3 or wait for another Q which won't be coming anytime soon due to the investigation. And of course, my train announced that they will be running local throughout Brooklyn. I figured, "hey, at least it'll take me to my stop." NOT SO FAST...as we pulled into Atlantic, I noticed the train is now on the express side of the track. Which mean, it won't be making my stop and I'll have to get the fuck off. I really want to know who makes these decisions, REALLY.

So I stand on the platform with many other pissed off riders for another 10 or so minutes and that Q train from DeKalb pulled into the station...on the local track. (remember how they told the guy it was running express on the N?) I get on and one employee announces "this train will make express stops." FUCK I said. Then anyother employee announced "NO, this train is making local stops." "That's not right" announce the first guy. "That's what I was just told" replied the second guy over the intercom. "You sure?" "Last I was told." So I'm in the train and one guy on the platform asked if the train was running local. I replied "can't really say, I don't have schizophrenia." which got some laughter from the crowd in the train but the guy on the platform have no clue what I meant.

In the end, what is a normally 30-40 minute commute took me 90 minutes. Who's to blame? The damn union workers at the MTA. What can I do about it? Nothing except take it up the ass like everyone else. This shit is really grinding my gears and there's nothing I can do about it. Meanwhile, we got Hillary and Barack trying to win the unions...I don't think this transportation system will get any better. I'm just hoping it doesn't get any worse because it can...and probably will. I'm fucked, we're all fucked!

Ever heard of kosher salt!? (Warning: you may and will be offended if you're Jewish)

So last night I decided to brave it and order from Abigael's on Broadway for dinner. For those of you that don't know, Abigael's serves kosher meals. I figured, how bad can it be...(of course, had I at the time remembered the episode of Elaine on the airplane being served the kosher meal, I'd be better off)

So I decided on the BBQ cedar plank salmon. Sounds delicious doesn't it? Yea, "except the exact opposite!" (keep reading) It came in your typical aluminum container that was taped shut (sissors required, literally) which was placed in a nice looking bag that was not only stapled shut but also taped shut. I'm begining to think they've had history where the delivery guy tried to eat the food before (not sure why the delivery guys would subject themselves to that).

Anyways, after 10 minutes of trying to open the bag and the container, I had the first taste of the salmon...it was the blandest meal I've ever had! And I've had people forget to add seasoning to my food before. You can't have the decency to put in some salt after I paid you $18 for the meal (you guys want to hear a Jewish joke)!? I can't believe all these people that gave the place 5 star ratings! You don't find many 5 star ratings on seamless web and I can't think of a reason this place is even a 2 star. WHO would give this place 5 stars!? Oh wait, kosher...=...jews. AH, that made sense.

I have to give it to them, if they rate this place 5 star, imagine what they're used to. THAT, people, is what you call religious devotion! If I were born a Jew...oh boy, let's not even go down that path. (Now I know why Allison (Jewish) is dating Joe (Italian), but I'm still trying to figure out why Joe is dating Allison - no offense you two) Like I understand the whole bless the food deal but I never realize that when you bless it, you also forbid that piece of meat to ever have taste, EVER! So be warned, if you're not kosher Jewish, stay away from kosher food. (You people better appreciate the stuff that I do for you)

I may suck, but I have SENIORITY!



In the midst of what seems like a airline merger frenzy, much of the talk have been about how the mergers will affect SENIORITY. We've got the Delta employees wonder if any Northworst (I know it's Northwest douchebag, thanks for pointing it out like the dumb kid in the front of the classroom) employees would get seniority over them and the Northworst employees wondering the same thing, "except the exact opposite."



Why are they wondering about this you ask? The reason they are worried about seniority is because seniority determines the amount of perks and benefits they are entitled to. The more seniority you have, the more benefits and perks you get, kind of like in high school where if you're a senior, you get the right to pick on any one that's not. The most senior pilots gets to fly the biggest planes. The least senior pilot gets one of those small tiny planes where he's lucky if the propeller doesn't fall off in midflight (okay, that was a stretch but you get the idea). If you're a senior flight att...stewardess, you get to serve first class and work the NYC-London route. And if you're the least senior stewardess, you're dealing with the crying babies in subeconomy on your way to middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.



Why is this grinding my gears you ask? Well, it has to do with unions and everything that is unamerican about it! There is zero meritocracy here. You can be lazy and rude but if you have seniority, you're the #1 worker. I'm willing to bet in fact that the most senior stewardess at all the airlines are also the laziest, rudest, and ugliest stewardness because when they retain #1, they can really let themselves go because they don't have to really work any more.



Meanwhile, I'm sitting in subeconomy next to the fattest man on earth and all the stewardless can say to me is "sorry, you'd have to pay extra to sit in 'economy plus' even though 90% of those seats are empty." With that said, I'd like to be the one that calls them in to the office to inform them they'd been laid off once these mergers go through. In fact, I'd pay the airlines $100 a day to let me do the firings. "Yeaaaa, Jenny...I hate to do this...what the hell am I saying? I can't even keep a straight face, hahahaha. Okay, seriously, the reason I called you in today is to let you know that all the years you put in is worth ZERO with a capital Z. Why? Because...you're fired! Now get the fuck out of my office and take your snotty attitude with you."

In fact, all this has led me to come up with what I'd like to call the "Productiveness/laziness Scale." It ranges from 10 to -10. 10 being the most productive, think the Chinese guy working 12+ hours a day in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant making your general tso's chicken. And yes, -10 would be the laziest (I have to say, you abortion survivors are getting smarter by the minute. If you keep this up, I might have to leave you alone and move on to the incest survivors). So think of the bum without the funny sign sitting on the street somewhere have his "please help" sign asking you for money because he's too lazy to ask for spare change (yes, I hate bums, especially the ones who stanks up a whole train car with his BO on my daily commutes...hmmm, maybe I'll write about this someday). Now, the average person applying for a job requiring union membership would automatically lose 5 points once he/she is offered the job. So the chinese guy would be at 5 should be become a member of say the teamsters. And for every year that he/she stays at that job, it's -1 on the scale. So, chinese guy from the restaurant gets a union job, stays there for 5 years, he'd be at 0 (neither productive nor lazy). So using that scale, feel free to guess where each airline employee you come across would fall. Hint, it won't be a positive number. Go ahead, try it...

Saddam Hussein was anything but a monster, really!

Ahhh the sound of ignorance and denial...and plain stupidity! After the NIU shooting this past week, the media caught up with Jessica Baty, the girlfriend of the psycho who went on a shooting spree.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK? Can you imagine what was going through her head when she decided to date the psycho, continue to date the psycho, sleep with the psycho (yes, fuck the psycho), and live with the psycho? As my friend Evan would say, EWWWWW! Now honestly, would why anyone admit to being the psycho's girlfriend? Is it just me? That's like admitting I slept with Britney Spears after I ruffied her up...while in rehab (not that I have). By the way, I would really like to meet the piece of work who's lucky enough to be the next guy to date this girl.

Now what really grinded my gears is the fact she refused to believe the psycho was in fact evil! Hey bitch, look at the dead bodies and tell their parents the psycho's a great guy. Tell them that "He was probably the nicest, most caring person ever." Go ahead, I dare you! Homestly, I wouldn't blame them if they shoot you in the face if you tell them that. In fact, if I were on the jury after they shoot you, NOT GUILTY will be my verdict and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Moreover, she saw this coming: she knew he's depressed, she knew he had stopped taking medication, she knew he bought 2 guns ( Sidenote: yea, it's for home protection - 13 guys are going to jack me at home and I need TWO guns to protect meself. Fuck, Tupac didn't need this much protection but you do?!), he told her to "not forget about him", and he said "goodbye" when he never says goodbye (I'm always weary of people that don't say goodbye by the way, like show some respect asshole). Like Puddy (from Seinfeld) would say "all signs points to" PSYCHO!!!

Oh and get this, in a letter to her, the psycho said "You will make an excellent psychologist or social worker someday!" Ummmm...yeaaaaa, about that....how the hell can she be good at that when she can't even keep you from going off the wall? In fact, she should be pre-empted from ever becoming a psychologist or a social worker. Like forget it, not now, not ever. You had your chance and that blew quite a few people away. I don't think I want to risk that again, EVER!

Wait!!! That Hamburger you're about to eat have been a victim of animal cruelty!!!

Yes people, the Dept. of Agriculture have recalled 143 million pounds of beef because undercover video have show that the cattle which the meat comes from have been mistreated - crippled cows being pushed with forklift. Moreover, 2 former employees at the Westland/Hallmark Meat Company have been charged with animal cruelty.

Okay, I'm no genius - at least not yet certified as one, but what's the difference here? If I kick a cow a day before it's slaughtered, am I liable for animal cruelty? Or hell, if I go out hunting and only injure a deer and it runs away, is that animal cruelty?

Look, I have 2 dogs and would definitely go apeshit if anyone tried to harm them in any way. But we're talking about cows! Cows that are scheduled to be SLAUGHTERED and end up on my steak egg and cheese bagel (which I might add is muy delicioso), my Blimpie Burger, my prime rib, my flank steak (medium rare) with spinish, or my Porterhouse (again, medium rare) with garlic mashed potatos!!! Do I care if the meat came from a cow that has been "abused?" Clearly the answer is NO as long as it ends up on my bagel, bun, and plate without mad cow disease!

And by the way, who the fuck hired PETA to work at the USDA and the slaughterhouse? I think the first question (even before the name section) on the applications to the two places should be "Are you a member or supporter of PETA?" If yes, straight to the garbage. If no, move on to the name (but if the name sounds Mexican - verify legal status, so you don't get sued). And if hired and later verified to have lied on the PETA answer, branding on the ass!