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Monday, July 19, 2010

YOUUUUU GO SHOP AT OLD NAVY!!!

Yea, I'm talking about you...but only if you're the kind of person that's too lazy to actually shop for a gift and end up sending a gift card to some shitty ass store that the recipient doesn't shop at.

I don't get it, how hard is it to write a fucking check these days!? Hell, could it be more easier that PayPal-ing it!? You don't even need to get off the couch for that! Instead, some lazy fucks think it's "thoughtful" to send a gift card for some store/restaurant. Well, you know what, it's NOT! If anything, it shows that you really don't give a shit because you can't spend the time to pick out a good gift and that you're also being a huge dick for restricting me to where I have to do that chore for you!

I've gotten gifts cards in the past to places ranging from Chili's to Pottery Barn. What the hell am I going to do with a $50 gift card to Pottery Barn!? Am I supposed to throw $150 of my own money into buying some over-priced $200 bedding set and then send the person a THANK YOU card!? Like what am I suppose to write on that card - "thank you for the gorgeous bedding set we bought for ourselves at Pottery Barn. Without your $50 contribution, we would never have been able to afford it. You're so thoughtful, you fucking douche!"

And even worse, gift cards to Chili's! Hello, I live in Brooklyn!!! How many fucking Chili's are there in Brooklyn!? And why would I go to Chili's?? Their fucking baby back ribs are shit! I rather take my chances at Chi Chi's...oh what's that, they've been closed down for food poisoning. Well shit, there goes that Chi Chi's gift certificate!

Old Navy, DITTO! Not to sound like a snub but...I'm kind of a snub. What make you think I'd step into an Old Navy much less wear anything from Old Navy!? Even Banana Republic is frown upon by me and you expect me to wear something from Old Navy?? Do I look like a high school freshman to you!? You clearly don't know me and I should be ashamed that you're someone I keep in touch with.

So I hope I'm making my points very clear, DO NOT FUCKING SEND GIFT CARDS AS A GIFT! Just because it has the word "gift" in its name does not mean you should gift it. If anything, if you wait long enough, that gift card might just come back to you...trust me, I've got them saved up and each has a name written on them, next to the word "douchebag."

And furthermore, if you're going to send a gift card (first of all, DON'T), at least make it a minimum of $20! The only thing that pisses me off more than getting a gift card is getting a gift card with less than $20 on it. WHY even fucking bother!? At that point, just send a Christmas/birthday/anniversary/etc card and leave it at that...or send nothing at all! Can you imagine getting a gift card to Chili's for $10? First of all, you're going to have to eat at Chili's. And if that's not bad enough, you're obviously going to have to pay for someone else to dine with you because let's face it, inviting someone to Chili's and then insist on that someone to pay for his/her own meal is just not cool. And obviously, you're NOT going to Chili's by your lonesome self, you're not. So to sum it up, when you give someone a $10 gift card to Chili's, you're basically saying this: "Hey asshole, I hate your guts! So this is what I'm going to do...I'm gonna pay you $10 to dine at a shitty "restaurant" with someone else and you pay for the balance of the meal. I hope you take a date there with you because that means you're definitely not getting laid and will have no chance of ever getting laid with that said person. To add insult to injury, I hope you get food poisoning and puke your guts out on that date of yours. Enjoy asshole!" So, before you send me that $10 gift card to Chili's, let me just say this right now: "FUCK YOU!"

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Yes, it's been a while since my last update...but that does not mean that nothing have grinded my gears since then. At the urging of someone (let's call this person Pat), I'm back ranting on the keyboard while hoping I don't break this one this time from the tone of my words. Clearly, Pat thinks it's funny when things are grinding my gears. Well you know what Pat, I'm billing you for a new keyboard if this one breaks as a result.

There's one thing that's always been grinding my gears and it never stops. And that is the New York City MTA, the douchebags responsible for my shitty morning and evening commutes pretty much every day. For a 6-7 miles of commute, it would take me anywhere from as little as 30 minutes and as much as...at least an hour. I fail to comprehend how something so simple could be turned into something that fucking complicated! The simple idea is to run a train of 8-10 traincars along a track while stopping at certain "stations" to let people on and off. If you start a train at the origination point every 7-8 minutes, each train would hit every station every 7-8 minutes after the previous train. INSTEAD, what you get is the exact fucking opposite. Let's run through all the scenerios I've experienced first hand.

First, there's the "do not hold the door" excuse. That is, they're claiming that because some people hold the doors, the train can not move and thereby causes delays. Well bull-fucking-shit! For one, close the door. Maybe it's just me here but if I were to get caught in the door and it continues to shut on my arm (or better yet my bag and then starts moving), you can be sure I won't try it ever again. And secondly, there's no speed limit for trains. If you're 30 seconds behind, speed the fuck up! It's not like there a granny driving a slow ass '88 Buick Park Avenue in front of you, is there?

Then there's the "because of train traffic ahead..." excuse. Excuse me, but do you think everyone on the train is braindead!? Where the fuck did the train traffic come from, the sixth dimension? It's a one way track with no ins and outs! And even IF there really is train traffic, that's only because you somehow fucked up the simple plan and sent too many trains at the same time! In the end, it's still your fault for being so fucking stupid to comprehend a very basic idea.

And of course, there's also the "because of debris on the track..." excuse. I'm sorry, have you seen what the train looks like? Can you imagine how much debris it'll take to prevent a train from running it over? And it wouldn't be a problem if the lazy ass station worker empties the trash and sweeps the platforms instead of sleeping!

And in the end, there's only one thing you can depend on the MTA for, incompetence and unreliability. And yes, I know, but I count those two as one thing because they go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.

Of course, I noticed something else today. I have a monthly metrocard that expired today so I had to purchase a new one. There are 3 machines at the station where I live. All three takes credit cards and debit cards...at least they're supposed to. I've noticed recently (recently as in the last 2+ years) that two of the machines won't read any credit cards; and that includes the one that ONLY takes credit/debit cards. WTF right? What's the fucking point of having that machine there? It's like having a blind guy at the library to read books for kids, totally useless but somehow we're paying for it to be there, the electricity to keep it on, and the salary for the douchebags that supposedly maintain and service it. Only today, that one machine that does take credit cards is now unable to read my Amex card. So I tried my Visa...and then my Mastercard...and I would have tried my Discover Card but for the fact I don't have one of those and no one accepts them (remind me why it still exists, please). And during that whole process, the damn trains comes...and goes. So FUCK, I'm gonna have to wait for another one that arrives in who the fuck knows how long! I go to the booth and asks the half-asleep "attendant" why the fuck none of the machines is not taking credit cards. He tells me none of the are working. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! That's why I'm asking you WHY! And of course, he can't take my credit card also. Now the fucking dilemma...a monthly metrocard costs $89 for unlimited ride, a single ride costs $2.25, and if I buy a $20 card - they'd give me 15% extra (for those not Asian, $23 in credit). I normally get the monthly, but I don't have $89 in cash nor do I want to forfeit 89 membership reward points that I would've earned from using my Amex! However, if I pay for a single ride, I get fucked out of the 15% discount! So what do I do, I paid $20 in cash because I don't like getting screwed over out of principle! So naturally, I'm fuming from that point all the way to Bryant Park. And when I finally got to Bryant Park, I noticed something, the damn machines at Bryant Park only sells single ride metrocards! These motherfuckers are pennypinching by fucking people over. By only selling single ride metrocards, they don't have to give people the 15% bonus. And by having much of their credit card readers in the machines "broken," they force people to use cash and save them from having to pay an interchange fee to the banks and credit card companies. Meanwhile, their fucking union workers are sleeping on the night shift, driving trains that are capable of driving themselves, leaving trash cans full to the top, etc etc...all the while collecting a nice salary and the benefits that comes with an unionized "job." Motherfuckers!