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Friday, March 31, 2006

PAY ME $400 AND YOU CAN ADOPT MY DOG

Yes, I'm back. As much as I hate to leave you hanging, I do enjoy putting in the extra hours at work for some extra pay (lap dances don't pay for itself unless you're Anna Benson).

I have a dog. Named him Kosmo after Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld but with a K because my name starts with a K. He's a shih-tsu and he's from a breeder. I like my pets pure-bred. I'm pure bred. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with that until I looked on craigslist. When the hell did craigslist become PETA??? Apparently, according to many of the people who use craigslist, I'm killing dogs left and right simply because I chose to buy a dog from a breeder rather than "adopt" a dog from a shelter. Hmmmm...that is genius! It's almost as genius as blaming me for the cheap prices at Wal-mart simply because I shop there.

"What about saving a life? People like you keep the back yard breeders in business." said some douchebag on craigslist. Here's my answer: FUCK YOU! First of all, why don't you try adopting 6 dogs first before calling me out? This is a person who claimed to have adopted a cat. A FUCKING CAT! A cat that don't need to be walked, cleaned after, and etc. Getting a cat instead of a dog is like taking study hall instead of calculus in high school. It's a cop out! Adopt a dog first and then we'll talk.

Secondly, my dog comes from a respected breeder with credentials. It didn't come from a puppy mill. And even if it did, how am I not saving a life of a dog by getting him instead of some mutt at the shelter? What do you think happens to a puppy mill puppy when it's not getting sold? If you ask me, the difference between the two is the same as the difference between a $100 ho and a drunk whore you pick up at the bar. In the end, you're spending $100 for the lay regardless of which one you get. The only difference is with the ho, you're not getting puked on and she leaves after the lay. Moreover, I doubt some "backyard breeder" would stop breeding dogs simply because I adopt a dog.

Thirdly, why the hell would I "adopt" a dog when I have to pay all these fees that comes pretty close to what a pure-bred dog costs from a breeder? It's stupidity. Think about it this way: do you go to a steakhouse and choose the rump over the porterhouse simply because the $40 rump is $1 cheaper? I think not. If you adopt a mutt over the golden retreiver that you've always wanted for about the same price, whouldn't you regret it? You'd have to look at that mutt everyday for the next...(and another thing, if you adopt a mutt, you have no clue when the dog was born, would you like a child with no birthday for 1% off your hospital bill? I think not!) however many years and you'll be wishing it was a retreiver every single minute of it.

Bottomline, some people needs to leave me the fuck alone and not tell me how to live my life. I don't need some UAW worker bitching at me for buying a better-built BMW over a Ford Focus. I don't need the chef of an Italian Restaurant bitching at me for wanting Sushi. And I certainly don't need some douchebag cat fancier who isn't doing anything to save the life of a dog to tell me how to get MY pet! So if anyone ever give you shit like this, say it loud and say it proud, "FUCK YOU!"

Friday, March 24, 2006

DOUBLE GRINDER DAY

It's weird, I actually had nothing to talk about yesterday. Somehow, I knew what was in store for today, a double grinder. It came to me within the first 2 hours of the day even. I had the post of the day even before I walked into the office today. It's amazing!

So anyways, I take the subway to work every morning. For those of you not in New York, the morning commute on the subways is the worst for those starting work at 9am. Every express train is packed. Sometimes, you might even have to push your way onboard. And when you get on board, you're pretty much guaranteed standing room only. In those situations, you'll always want to hold on to a pole to keep your balance. Otherwise, you fall into an ugly overweight woman who sues you for harassment.

So this morning, I get on the N train and tried to get a hold of a pole. And there she is, the pole hugger. A pole hugger is someone who...Hugs a pole. She was all over it. Her whole body and her two hands are on the pole. And the worst part - she thinks it's her pole and her pole only. I tried to grab a hold of this pole since it's the closest one to me and not as crowded. And the next thing you know, she gave me this stare like I just told her "I was prolife, but I'm pro-choice now that I met you."

Obviously, you see why this grinds my gears. The pole, unlike the seat, is designed for multiple people. In fact, there are less poles than seats on the N train (trust me, I counted). So to all you pole huggers out there, SHARE THE FUCKING POLE!!! I paid my $2 just like you! People like that should be taken out back and shot. Where the hell is Stalin when I need him?

So I get off the train and take my walk to work. It's about 3 street blocks from the Union station stop. I walk down University and what do I see, a guy taking his dog out for the business. In New York city, there is a law requiring all dog owners to pick up their dog's poop. Somehow, the law didn't apply to this guy (at least not in his mind). The guy just left the poop on the sidewalk! At this point, I was already ticked and this just put me over the top. "Hey, you need to pick that up!" He turns around and gave me a look like "did you just say what I think you said?" And then he replied, "mind your own business." Imagine that, mind my own business. That coming from a guy who couldn't take care of his own dog's business. And the truth of the matter is, this is my business - I'm going to be the guy that steps in it! At this point, there's no way I wasn't getting the last word after the eharmony episode. So I responded, "maybe I will when my dog takes a shit on your front door." "Fuck you" he said and walked off. It's times like this where I wish I had my RAZR camera phone (which is now being used by my fiancee) instead of the blackberry. That way, I can take the guy's picture and post it on childmolesters.com.

And by the way, I'd like to thank all the walkerbys for joining in and forcing the guy to pick up after his dog. Oh wait, no one did. May you all step in dog shit!

So there you have it, the first double grinder of this blog. I'll be back again and let you know what is grinding my gears.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS MATCH

I actually had problem finding something that's grinding my gears today. That problem went away when I got an email from eharmony.com. Now before I continue, I should explain why I am even associated with a dating site.

I am currently happily engaged. So why am I on a dating site? The simple answer - for the hell of it. I watch a ton of TV. And lately, there seem to be a huge ad campaign being run by none other than eharmony.com. I'm sure you've all seen it, it features "Dr. Neil Clark Warren." I think it's funny how the guy's name feature three first names, like Lee Harvey Oswald, Derrick Todd Lee (aka the Baton Rouge Serial Killer), Henry Lee Lucas (confessed to over 350 murders), and so on. And as my co-worker pointed out earlier, he also looks like one of those uncles that you would not leave your kids alone with (he looks like a child molester).

After watching enough of these commercial, my curious mind kicked in - hmmm, I wonder if this crap really works? So I created a profile, with my fiancee's knowledge of course (imagine the shit I'd be in if she finds out from a third party!). In fact, I made her create one too hoping that we'd get matched up (we didn't, which obviously means this harmony crap is...well, crap). But instead, I get 3 matches right off the bat. That would be great if I limited my search to people within 1 mile of me. Unfortunately, my search criteria is for people within 60 miles of me, which is basicalyy the whole NYC area and then some! Think about it - in a city of 10 million plus, eharmony only found 3 potential matches for me!!! And I'm a lawyer making good money!!! Imagine how many matches I would have if I were to be an associate at Best Buy! What the hell is up with that??? What's more interesting is that my fiancee had 4 potential matches. Somehow, if this ehormony thing is anywhere close to being scientific, I think my fiancee and I won't be splitting up anytime in the near future. Being engaged has its hassles but it's nowhere as bad as being single!

Anyways, I get an email today from eharmony telling me there are 5 more potential matches. Either I'm getting more and more attractive or eharmony's ad campaign is really working. So I log in to my account and clicked on matches. The first thing I notice is that one of these new matches have already canned me. She decided to "close communications" with me just by looking at my profile. Right there and then, I knew what today's blog would be about.

So who is this girl that automatically decided I wasn't good enough for her? To start off, she calls herself "Kim." She's a "designer and a language instructor." I think that's a good way of saying she's looking to design stuff and is teaching English to immigrants until she finds something. I mean come on, what designer do you know that is also a real language instructor? Does Calvin Klein teach Latin at NYU??? I don't think so!!!

Let's see, what else here? the 3 important interests that we share are wine, dining out, and eating. That scares me right there. And isn't dining out and eating pretty much the same thing? And when asked what is the one thing she's most passionate about, she wrote:

"To live content ; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common."

WHAT A FREAK!!! For one, stars don't make a sound so you can't really "listen" to them! Furthermore, the question asks you for one thing, not 50! She's probably one of those people that have rich parents and feels guilty about that. But at the same time, she refuses to get a real job and keeps living off of her parents. In fact, one of the three things Kim is most thankful for is her parents and I think we know why. Another thing of note for which she is thankful for is "MY PASSPORT. Lol :-) I love traveling & exploring! So passport helps.. :) " What are we, 14? LOL. Can't stand that shit!

Moreover, according to her, the first thing I'll notice about her is that she's "upbeat, dreamy, creative, happy, positive, curious, and, more often than not, optimistic about humanity. Are you in, yet?" Actually Kim, apparently, you asked me a rhetorical question. Even if I want in, I can't get in because you canned me without even getting to know who I am. So much for your optimism about humanity. I really wish you are optimistic about who I really am. In the end, you're just another person who lies on your profile.

Lastly, some of Kim's favorite things are: "Worn out jeans and a white cotton t-shirt on a sunkissed body is my kind of thing. Sexy shoes, a must. Foreign Flix, Paulo Coelho, Jared Diamond and t P.B. Shelley. Nova, PBS. Art and Antiques. Spanish/Caribbean hot sexy music. Travel. Kayaking. favorite hot spots: I prefer small, quaint, comfy and cozy... cafe au-for breakfast in Paris, panini by the water in San Remo, fish and chips with a cold beer in Monterey, empanadas in a park in Buenos Aires...its all about the big picture..." Now I really wonder how she can manage to do all these things from the money she earns tutoring immigrants. Oh wait, the parents - that's how!

I have the option of sending a "final message" but then I'd have to subscribe at a rate of $60 per month. Somehow, that's the worst part of the ordeal. She's not the type I would be interested in anyways even if I were single, or better yet, desperate for a relationship. Getting rejected by her is like a bum calling you out for only making $100,000 a year. There's just something wrong about this site not allowing you to get the last word without having to pay. (Smart business plan, I'd do the same.)

oh yea, almost forgot, she lives in Tarrytown. Clearly she is desperate for a relationship since she's searching so far away. Can you imagine having to date someone a hour away? Obviously, she considered it and it's worth it for her. Now my question is, are there no men in Tarrytown that would date her?

Until tomorrow, that's the daily grind.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

NAKED WHO!?

Time Square is perhaps the best part of New York City...if you're a tourist. For regular New Yorkers, it's perhaps the #1 place to avoid. Think about it, you're walking down the street, a family of Kansasian (I guess I'm picking on them this week) is walking in front of you at a pace slower than the turtle. You can't go past them on the left because there's a group of middle schoolers on their after-winter-break-but-before-spring-break break (is it just me are are these damn kids these days not getting enough time in the classroom? And they wonder why our kids are falling behind others in the world in terms of education). And of course, you can't pass them on the right because there's that group of Asian tourists. So you're pretty much limited to walking 7 steps a minute, if you're lucky. Aside from that, you've got all these people trying to either hand you flyers or get you on "the bus." And lastly, just when you thought you're done, you catch a glimpse of the Naked Cowboy's behind. YUCK!

Now for those of you that don't know, the self-named Naked Cowboy is this guy who wears nothing but a tidy whitie and a cowboy hat. He prances around Time Square with his guitar greeting tourists and hoping some sex-deprived midwest housewife would stick something down his tidy whitie. WHAT THE HELL is up with that? Seriously! This kind of shit needs to stop. I don't need to walk down the street and see some guy's in his tidy whities! That is why Levi and Strauss came up with jeans. In fact, all the cowboys I know wears jeans, although I'm lead to believe that they wear Wranglers and not Levi's.

So you're probably wondering, what do I have against the Naked Cowboy? Well, to tell you the truth, I really didn't plan on ripping this guy a new one until 10 minutes ago. I open up today's Daily News, and BAM! Right there on page 2 is a picture of this guy's behind with the words "NAKED COWBOY" written on his tidy whitie. And this is before I have my morning coffee.

Now, if I'm right (and I usually am most of the time), calling somebody a naked cowboy is an oxymoron. That's like saying the President lives in the blue White House. A cowboy isn't supposed to be naked. Once he's naked, he's not a cowboy anymore regardless if he still has his cowboy hat on. And another thing, what cowboy do you know that doesn't have a horse!? I can't name one cowboy movie where there's a cowboy without a horse! Can you?

And another thing, the guy is from Cincinnati, Ohio, Not Texas, or Arizona, or New Mexico, or Colorado, or Montana, or Idaho, or any place associated with cowboys. Last time I checked, there are no cowboys in Ohio. I know this because I spent 7 god-awful years in Ohio (no offense to those of my friends still living in Ohio, I had some great times there when I'm hanging out with you people - at least that's what I'm telling you) and have never seen a cowboy. In fact, the closest thing to a cowboy there was kids playing cowboys and Indians. (I feel sorry for the kids that have to play the part of the Indian. Poor bastards.) And all those kids wear (guess what) JEANS!

Now I'd like to see this guy on American Idol. Clearly, this guy has zero musical talent. I can't wait to see Simon's reaction to this piece of work. It'd be hilarious. But now I think about it, it'd be a bad idea for this guy to appear on American Idol because like William Hung (he's not really hung I don't think), he might get a record deal because he's that bad.

Alright, until tomorrow, that's the daily grind. Until then, try not to grind my gears!

Monday, March 20, 2006


THE EASY BUTTON


I love those Staples commercials featuring the "Easy" button. Can you imagine if you could just hit that button and everything becomes as easy as talking candy from a baby (without any parents, guardians, or babysitters there with the baby of course)?

Now you would think that any normal person would know it is only a commercial and in real life, there are no "Easy" button. Real life is supposed to be hard, unless you're Paris Hilton. Then the hardest thing you'll have to worry about is where to stash your next sex tape before it ends up on the internet and eventually finds its way on to my desktop. I thought most Americans would agree with me on this one; but once again, I was wrong.

On the third anniversary of Operation Shock and Awe, millions of Americans are demanding to know why the hell it's taking so long to finish Iraq. What did they expect, an "Easy" button where after you push it the turbulent country and its surrounding area turns into Kansas overnight? Okay, maybe not Kansas after that complete embarrassment courtesy of Bradley this past Friday but you get my drift. I'd probably imagine that at this time, those Kansasian (what the hell do you call people from Kansas!?) are still probably mad as hell trying to point fingers at somebody for that blowup. And hopefully when they figure that out, they'll tell me whose ass to kick because they single-handedly screwed my office pool bracket. But let's get back on point here, what the hell happened to American expectations? Who the hell do I blame for this? The guy who invented the microwave? Ray Kroc with his "fast food?" Jello with its "instant" pudding? Jiffy Lube with its...Jiffy Lube? Or Staples for giving people the idea that there is an "Easy" button?

The fact of the matter is that building a new country from the ground up isn't easy and don't happen in a day. You throw in the fact that it's IRAQ and that should at least buy you an extra 5 years. But no, it's 2 years and 364 days overdue in the eyes of many Americans. Let's be honest here, our constitution took years to develop. We're apparently still working on the social security problem. And let's not forget healthcare, didn't Hillary try to do something with that 10 years ago. And hey, are they still working on the "Big Dig" in Boston? How long overdue is that crap? I've been waiting since I first had my drivers license to drive on that that.

Frankly, I wonder what our country would be like if our founding "fathers" had ADD like everyone today. Chances are, we'd probably still don't have a constitution. And even if we do, Alabama might be a state in a different country named the Confederate States of America. Because let's face it, 4 years of Civil War and 10 more years of reconstruction is just too long to wait without an easy button.

And while we're on this subject, the same goes for hybrids (cars, not mutants). It takes time, you don't have it, you deal with it - the right way. Stop bitching at me because I don't have a hybrid car like Leo DiCaprio. In the meantime, until hybrids are perfected and I FEEL like getting a hybrid with my money, you can take the subway or ride the bus or get on your bike or hey, WALK that weight off before it kills you before global warming does.

And one last thing in case you missed it while enjoying this rant, the "Easy" button doesn't exist, unless you're Paris Hilton! In which case, I'm dying to see America does Paris II.