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Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Time Square is perhaps the best part of New York City...if you're a tourist. For regular New Yorkers, it's perhaps the #1 place to avoid. Think about it, you're walking down the street, a family of Kansasian (I guess I'm picking on them this week) is walking in front of you at a pace slower than the turtle. You can't go past them on the left because there's a group of middle schoolers on their after-winter-break-but-before-spring-break break (is it just me are are these damn kids these days not getting enough time in the classroom? And they wonder why our kids are falling behind others in the world in terms of education). And of course, you can't pass them on the right because there's that group of Asian tourists. So you're pretty much limited to walking 7 steps a minute, if you're lucky. Aside from that, you've got all these people trying to either hand you flyers or get you on "the bus." And lastly, just when you thought you're done, you catch a glimpse of the Naked Cowboy's behind. YUCK!

Now for those of you that don't know, the self-named Naked Cowboy is this guy who wears nothing but a tidy whitie and a cowboy hat. He prances around Time Square with his guitar greeting tourists and hoping some sex-deprived midwest housewife would stick something down his tidy whitie. WHAT THE HELL is up with that? Seriously! This kind of shit needs to stop. I don't need to walk down the street and see some guy's in his tidy whities! That is why Levi and Strauss came up with jeans. In fact, all the cowboys I know wears jeans, although I'm lead to believe that they wear Wranglers and not Levi's.

So you're probably wondering, what do I have against the Naked Cowboy? Well, to tell you the truth, I really didn't plan on ripping this guy a new one until 10 minutes ago. I open up today's Daily News, and BAM! Right there on page 2 is a picture of this guy's behind with the words "NAKED COWBOY" written on his tidy whitie. And this is before I have my morning coffee.

Now, if I'm right (and I usually am most of the time), calling somebody a naked cowboy is an oxymoron. That's like saying the President lives in the blue White House. A cowboy isn't supposed to be naked. Once he's naked, he's not a cowboy anymore regardless if he still has his cowboy hat on. And another thing, what cowboy do you know that doesn't have a horse!? I can't name one cowboy movie where there's a cowboy without a horse! Can you?

And another thing, the guy is from Cincinnati, Ohio, Not Texas, or Arizona, or New Mexico, or Colorado, or Montana, or Idaho, or any place associated with cowboys. Last time I checked, there are no cowboys in Ohio. I know this because I spent 7 god-awful years in Ohio (no offense to those of my friends still living in Ohio, I had some great times there when I'm hanging out with you people - at least that's what I'm telling you) and have never seen a cowboy. In fact, the closest thing to a cowboy there was kids playing cowboys and Indians. (I feel sorry for the kids that have to play the part of the Indian. Poor bastards.) And all those kids wear (guess what) JEANS!

Now I'd like to see this guy on American Idol. Clearly, this guy has zero musical talent. I can't wait to see Simon's reaction to this piece of work. It'd be hilarious. But now I think about it, it'd be a bad idea for this guy to appear on American Idol because like William Hung (he's not really hung I don't think), he might get a record deal because he's that bad.

Alright, until tomorrow, that's the daily grind. Until then, try not to grind my gears!

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