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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS MATCH

I actually had problem finding something that's grinding my gears today. That problem went away when I got an email from eharmony.com. Now before I continue, I should explain why I am even associated with a dating site.

I am currently happily engaged. So why am I on a dating site? The simple answer - for the hell of it. I watch a ton of TV. And lately, there seem to be a huge ad campaign being run by none other than eharmony.com. I'm sure you've all seen it, it features "Dr. Neil Clark Warren." I think it's funny how the guy's name feature three first names, like Lee Harvey Oswald, Derrick Todd Lee (aka the Baton Rouge Serial Killer), Henry Lee Lucas (confessed to over 350 murders), and so on. And as my co-worker pointed out earlier, he also looks like one of those uncles that you would not leave your kids alone with (he looks like a child molester).

After watching enough of these commercial, my curious mind kicked in - hmmm, I wonder if this crap really works? So I created a profile, with my fiancee's knowledge of course (imagine the shit I'd be in if she finds out from a third party!). In fact, I made her create one too hoping that we'd get matched up (we didn't, which obviously means this harmony crap is...well, crap). But instead, I get 3 matches right off the bat. That would be great if I limited my search to people within 1 mile of me. Unfortunately, my search criteria is for people within 60 miles of me, which is basicalyy the whole NYC area and then some! Think about it - in a city of 10 million plus, eharmony only found 3 potential matches for me!!! And I'm a lawyer making good money!!! Imagine how many matches I would have if I were to be an associate at Best Buy! What the hell is up with that??? What's more interesting is that my fiancee had 4 potential matches. Somehow, if this ehormony thing is anywhere close to being scientific, I think my fiancee and I won't be splitting up anytime in the near future. Being engaged has its hassles but it's nowhere as bad as being single!

Anyways, I get an email today from eharmony telling me there are 5 more potential matches. Either I'm getting more and more attractive or eharmony's ad campaign is really working. So I log in to my account and clicked on matches. The first thing I notice is that one of these new matches have already canned me. She decided to "close communications" with me just by looking at my profile. Right there and then, I knew what today's blog would be about.

So who is this girl that automatically decided I wasn't good enough for her? To start off, she calls herself "Kim." She's a "designer and a language instructor." I think that's a good way of saying she's looking to design stuff and is teaching English to immigrants until she finds something. I mean come on, what designer do you know that is also a real language instructor? Does Calvin Klein teach Latin at NYU??? I don't think so!!!

Let's see, what else here? the 3 important interests that we share are wine, dining out, and eating. That scares me right there. And isn't dining out and eating pretty much the same thing? And when asked what is the one thing she's most passionate about, she wrote:

"To live content ; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common."

WHAT A FREAK!!! For one, stars don't make a sound so you can't really "listen" to them! Furthermore, the question asks you for one thing, not 50! She's probably one of those people that have rich parents and feels guilty about that. But at the same time, she refuses to get a real job and keeps living off of her parents. In fact, one of the three things Kim is most thankful for is her parents and I think we know why. Another thing of note for which she is thankful for is "MY PASSPORT. Lol :-) I love traveling & exploring! So passport helps.. :) " What are we, 14? LOL. Can't stand that shit!

Moreover, according to her, the first thing I'll notice about her is that she's "upbeat, dreamy, creative, happy, positive, curious, and, more often than not, optimistic about humanity. Are you in, yet?" Actually Kim, apparently, you asked me a rhetorical question. Even if I want in, I can't get in because you canned me without even getting to know who I am. So much for your optimism about humanity. I really wish you are optimistic about who I really am. In the end, you're just another person who lies on your profile.

Lastly, some of Kim's favorite things are: "Worn out jeans and a white cotton t-shirt on a sunkissed body is my kind of thing. Sexy shoes, a must. Foreign Flix, Paulo Coelho, Jared Diamond and t P.B. Shelley. Nova, PBS. Art and Antiques. Spanish/Caribbean hot sexy music. Travel. Kayaking. favorite hot spots: I prefer small, quaint, comfy and cozy... cafe au-for breakfast in Paris, panini by the water in San Remo, fish and chips with a cold beer in Monterey, empanadas in a park in Buenos Aires...its all about the big picture..." Now I really wonder how she can manage to do all these things from the money she earns tutoring immigrants. Oh wait, the parents - that's how!

I have the option of sending a "final message" but then I'd have to subscribe at a rate of $60 per month. Somehow, that's the worst part of the ordeal. She's not the type I would be interested in anyways even if I were single, or better yet, desperate for a relationship. Getting rejected by her is like a bum calling you out for only making $100,000 a year. There's just something wrong about this site not allowing you to get the last word without having to pay. (Smart business plan, I'd do the same.)

oh yea, almost forgot, she lives in Tarrytown. Clearly she is desperate for a relationship since she's searching so far away. Can you imagine having to date someone a hour away? Obviously, she considered it and it's worth it for her. Now my question is, are there no men in Tarrytown that would date her?

Until tomorrow, that's the daily grind.

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