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Monday, July 19, 2010


Yea, I'm talking about you...but only if you're the kind of person that's too lazy to actually shop for a gift and end up sending a gift card to some shitty ass store that the recipient doesn't shop at.

I don't get it, how hard is it to write a fucking check these days!? Hell, could it be more easier that PayPal-ing it!? You don't even need to get off the couch for that! Instead, some lazy fucks think it's "thoughtful" to send a gift card for some store/restaurant. Well, you know what, it's NOT! If anything, it shows that you really don't give a shit because you can't spend the time to pick out a good gift and that you're also being a huge dick for restricting me to where I have to do that chore for you!

I've gotten gifts cards in the past to places ranging from Chili's to Pottery Barn. What the hell am I going to do with a $50 gift card to Pottery Barn!? Am I supposed to throw $150 of my own money into buying some over-priced $200 bedding set and then send the person a THANK YOU card!? Like what am I suppose to write on that card - "thank you for the gorgeous bedding set we bought for ourselves at Pottery Barn. Without your $50 contribution, we would never have been able to afford it. You're so thoughtful, you fucking douche!"

And even worse, gift cards to Chili's! Hello, I live in Brooklyn!!! How many fucking Chili's are there in Brooklyn!? And why would I go to Chili's?? Their fucking baby back ribs are shit! I rather take my chances at Chi Chi's...oh what's that, they've been closed down for food poisoning. Well shit, there goes that Chi Chi's gift certificate!

Old Navy, DITTO! Not to sound like a snub but...I'm kind of a snub. What make you think I'd step into an Old Navy much less wear anything from Old Navy!? Even Banana Republic is frown upon by me and you expect me to wear something from Old Navy?? Do I look like a high school freshman to you!? You clearly don't know me and I should be ashamed that you're someone I keep in touch with.

So I hope I'm making my points very clear, DO NOT FUCKING SEND GIFT CARDS AS A GIFT! Just because it has the word "gift" in its name does not mean you should gift it. If anything, if you wait long enough, that gift card might just come back to me, I've got them saved up and each has a name written on them, next to the word "douchebag."

And furthermore, if you're going to send a gift card (first of all, DON'T), at least make it a minimum of $20! The only thing that pisses me off more than getting a gift card is getting a gift card with less than $20 on it. WHY even fucking bother!? At that point, just send a Christmas/birthday/anniversary/etc card and leave it at that...or send nothing at all! Can you imagine getting a gift card to Chili's for $10? First of all, you're going to have to eat at Chili's. And if that's not bad enough, you're obviously going to have to pay for someone else to dine with you because let's face it, inviting someone to Chili's and then insist on that someone to pay for his/her own meal is just not cool. And obviously, you're NOT going to Chili's by your lonesome self, you're not. So to sum it up, when you give someone a $10 gift card to Chili's, you're basically saying this: "Hey asshole, I hate your guts! So this is what I'm going to do...I'm gonna pay you $10 to dine at a shitty "restaurant" with someone else and you pay for the balance of the meal. I hope you take a date there with you because that means you're definitely not getting laid and will have no chance of ever getting laid with that said person. To add insult to injury, I hope you get food poisoning and puke your guts out on that date of yours. Enjoy asshole!" So, before you send me that $10 gift card to Chili's, let me just say this right now: "FUCK YOU!"

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