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Sunday, April 30, 2006


Here in New York, you'll see people on the subway doing tons of things that you wouldn't expect people to do on their commute elsewhere. This is what I like about New York, not one minute goes to waste. Everything is so fast paced that people will literally use every minute the have available. You'll see people reading their morning paper (I go through the Post and half of the Daily on my commute everyday), watching the episode of Lost that they missed last night on their Ipod, studying for that exam they are on their way to take, finishing up that report for the boss that they didn't finish last night because they were out with the friends, applying makeup so they do look like shit for the harassing firm partner (am I the only one to find this talent amazing?), and yes, even BREAST FEEDING their baby!

That is what I saw this morning on my way in to work (yes, I work on Sundays!) on the N train. This lady was sitting on the train with her kids (and her husband). One minute I was reading about Moises Alou (the douchebag that went apeshit at Wrigley Field because he can't take the ball away from Steve Bartman) is bitching about how no one is pitching to Barry Bonds. The next minute, I'm getting a free tittie show right in front of me! Normally, I would have no problems whatsoever with this. However, this one just grinds me the wrong way for several reasons.

Reason 1 - her kids were there. And I'm not talking about the one getting the nipple. I'm talking about the 4 other kids of hers. They were ranged anywhere from 3 to 8 years old. No 8 year-olds should still be seeing thier mom's boobies. I repeat, if you're 7 or older, you should not be seeing your mom's tits. Otherwise, before you know it, you're in the incest pool and that ain't cool even if you're from West Virginia (this is by no means saying all people in West Virginia are product of incest, don't put words in my mouth).

Reason 2 - her husband was right there. Maybe this guy gets off on everyone on the 5th car of the N train getting a peak of his wife's tit but that doesn't make it right. It's so wrong in so many different ways and if you need me to spell it for you, you've got problems - seek help immediately.

Reason 3 - nobody wants to see some almost 50 year-old tits. Now I'm not saying that I'm a boob expert (far from actually) or that I stared at it for a while, but those tits do not look like it's been worked on. After 5 kids and without plastic surgery, you can imagine what it would look like if you saw it. And lets just say it's not one of the better tits I've ever seen.

Reason 4 - it's in public. Last time I checked, public exposure is a misdemeanor in the state of New York. If a guy can't expose himself in public, a woman should not be able to either (as much as we would like that). It's the 21st century people and we're all about equal rights here.

I'm sure there are more reasons but frankly, I can't think anymore and if these 4 reasons can't convince you, you can't be convinced. In hindsight, I probably should have said something back there. At the very least, I should have given her a $1. Even if it's bad tits, she should still get money for it. (sidebar time) Come to think of it, maybe that's why I don't see too many women bums here in NY. All they had to do is show some tits to get a dollar. Unlike female bums, male bums need good attitudes and a funny sigsn to get some money. That's why I don't give female bums money, they shouldn't be a bum if they have tits. If they have tits and they're bums, they're obviously not using all their resources. If they're not using all their resources, they're not desparate for a $1. And frankly, that is a dis-service to the bum profession just like kickers are to pro football players.

And that my friends is what grinds my gears today. Until next time, try not to become a bum or show your tits in public without getting at least a $1 back.

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