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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I may suck, but I have SENIORITY!

In the midst of what seems like a airline merger frenzy, much of the talk have been about how the mergers will affect SENIORITY. We've got the Delta employees wonder if any Northworst (I know it's Northwest douchebag, thanks for pointing it out like the dumb kid in the front of the classroom) employees would get seniority over them and the Northworst employees wondering the same thing, "except the exact opposite."

Why are they wondering about this you ask? The reason they are worried about seniority is because seniority determines the amount of perks and benefits they are entitled to. The more seniority you have, the more benefits and perks you get, kind of like in high school where if you're a senior, you get the right to pick on any one that's not. The most senior pilots gets to fly the biggest planes. The least senior pilot gets one of those small tiny planes where he's lucky if the propeller doesn't fall off in midflight (okay, that was a stretch but you get the idea). If you're a senior flight att...stewardess, you get to serve first class and work the NYC-London route. And if you're the least senior stewardess, you're dealing with the crying babies in subeconomy on your way to middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.

Why is this grinding my gears you ask? Well, it has to do with unions and everything that is unamerican about it! There is zero meritocracy here. You can be lazy and rude but if you have seniority, you're the #1 worker. I'm willing to bet in fact that the most senior stewardess at all the airlines are also the laziest, rudest, and ugliest stewardness because when they retain #1, they can really let themselves go because they don't have to really work any more.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting in subeconomy next to the fattest man on earth and all the stewardless can say to me is "sorry, you'd have to pay extra to sit in 'economy plus' even though 90% of those seats are empty." With that said, I'd like to be the one that calls them in to the office to inform them they'd been laid off once these mergers go through. In fact, I'd pay the airlines $100 a day to let me do the firings. "Yeaaaa, Jenny...I hate to do this...what the hell am I saying? I can't even keep a straight face, hahahaha. Okay, seriously, the reason I called you in today is to let you know that all the years you put in is worth ZERO with a capital Z. Why?'re fired! Now get the fuck out of my office and take your snotty attitude with you."

In fact, all this has led me to come up with what I'd like to call the "Productiveness/laziness Scale." It ranges from 10 to -10. 10 being the most productive, think the Chinese guy working 12+ hours a day in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant making your general tso's chicken. And yes, -10 would be the laziest (I have to say, you abortion survivors are getting smarter by the minute. If you keep this up, I might have to leave you alone and move on to the incest survivors). So think of the bum without the funny sign sitting on the street somewhere have his "please help" sign asking you for money because he's too lazy to ask for spare change (yes, I hate bums, especially the ones who stanks up a whole train car with his BO on my daily commutes...hmmm, maybe I'll write about this someday). Now, the average person applying for a job requiring union membership would automatically lose 5 points once he/she is offered the job. So the chinese guy would be at 5 should be become a member of say the teamsters. And for every year that he/she stays at that job, it's -1 on the scale. So, chinese guy from the restaurant gets a union job, stays there for 5 years, he'd be at 0 (neither productive nor lazy). So using that scale, feel free to guess where each airline employee you come across would fall. Hint, it won't be a positive number. Go ahead, try it...

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